Russell Miller
2004-12-28 11:00:49 UTC
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OK, so.
We have a hundred thousand dippy posts, quite a few posts in the interminable
Mark/Sun/Darren flamewar, a whole bunch of people stupidly following up on
posts where the followup is set to NANAE, the odd political discussion, and
it goes downhill from there. In such an environment, I figure one stupid
post would actually be welcome, as it would give the BOFHs among us a chuckle
before they go back to combatting stupidippy.
So, without further ado, I present: THE NANAE HOLIDAY PAGEANT
As the curtain opens, a large, festively decked out choir slowly appears.
They are all wearing scarlet choir robes. You can see Sun Tsu off to the
side, in the soprano section, with his robe looking a little singed and his
face full of soot. They start to break into song.
Singing:
The first NANAE, the Angel did sing
was a certain Norwegian with a cute drawing thing
With her mallet, she larts, all the spammers today
giving them bruises and making them pay
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
born is the queen of malleting
There is Morely, what a card, sitting in his old chair
Slapping down spammers with nary a care
And there's William, when he talks politics
Slaps down the spammers with their small little dicks
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
The regulars have their own little thing...
But you can't forget the kooks, they make it all fun
you've got freespeechstore, jamie, and don't forget Sun.
They're the flavor to the meat, forming a kook pile
slapping them down makes it all seem worthwhile
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
Born are the kook who make it so cool.
All together, is the group, who when spammers they fight
Fit in some time for a pun war tonight
Then the spammers run away, covering their behinds
and protecting the cavity that would contain minds.
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
This is the group that keeps your mailbox clean.
Narrator: Welcome to the NANAE Holiday pageant. I am your narrator,
William James. I would just like to say before we start that I really
really dislike Bush, but I don't like Kerry even...
*a large mallet comes from offstage and konks him*
OW! Hey, you're not supposed to use that on me!
Off stage: STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Narrator: OK, OK! Sheesh...
Anyway, I am here to tell you the story of NANAE, as it is in the head
of our esteemed (cough cough) writer. It all started on a cold winter's
morning a few years ago.
Spotlight turns on a bunch of people in white coats standing around a single
computer with clipboards.
Narrator: About 30 years ago, the Internet was invented.
One person presses a button on the computer, and they all cheer and high five
each other and down glasses of brandy. One person off to the side is smoking
a joint, oblivious to the whole thing.
Narrator: Almost as many years ago, E-Mail was invented.
They press another button, but the cheering is now heard offstage. A beat,
and then the group of white coated people cheer again. Several women
scientists in the group take off their white coats to reveal a bikini, and
start dancing around.
Narrator: *chuckles*. And there was much rejoicing.
Email was used mostly for academic purposes. There was the occasional
commercial email, true.
Spotlight turns on a slimy-looking greasy-haired salesguy poking away at
a very old computer.
Narrator: But that was kind of rare.
A large horde overruns the greasy haired guy, cursing and swearing and
hitting him on the head with mallets.
Narrator: *chuckles* I wonder why.
But then the rule that prohibited spamming from the NSF backbone was removed.
Spotlight shines on an X-Ray with a hole in a backbone.
Narrator: The spamming started slow at first...
One lone voice yells out "Buy my stuff!"
Narrator: But then it got progressively worse...
A thousand voices all yell sales pitches. Heard in the crowd is "viagra",
"vicodin", "poker", "rolex", "horny women", etc.
Narrator: And the ordinary people on the Internet decided they weren't
going to take it anymore.
Spotlight pans to a large group of people in a room, with a sign at the top
that says NANAE.
narrator: So, a bunch of people got together in the usenet group
news.admin.net-abuse.email and decided they weren't going to take it anymore.
Lone voice: Are you with me?
Everyone: YEAH!
Lone voice: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Everyone: YEAH!!!!
Lone voice: Then LET'S MALLET SOME SPAMMERS!!!
Everyone: YEEEAHHHHH!!!!! *everyone runs out with a mallet.*
Spotlight shifts to a guy inside a trailer, with greasy fingers and many
buckets of KFC around him. He hears the approaching crowd. He cringes
and runs off the screen. The group of people run in and start smashing
everything in sight.
Narrator: NANAE had quite a bit of success at first.
*group of greasy spammers runs in front of the narrator off the stage,
screaming.*
Narrator: But then the spammers got crafty.
*group of people runs into a trailer and acts all puzzled as the trailer
fizzles out.*
Narrator: They started to hide and resort to obscure tricks. But that didn't
help them too much.
Guy with a shirt that says SPAMLESS on the front: Wait, wait, wait...
he's over there!
Crowd: GET HIM!!!
Spammer: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Narrator: Most ISPs cooperated:
Guy with a shirt that says ISP: You spammed.
Spammer: *crying* No, no please! no!
ISP: *bang*
Spammer: *plop*
Narrator: But some didn't.
Guy with a black shirt that says ISP: I'll protect you, but it'll cost you.
Spammer: whatever it takes.
Narrator: Of course, that didn't help them.
Guy handing his black shirt over to a bunch of creditors: Damn spammers.
Narrator: Some spammers liked to pretend to be antis.
Sooty guy holding a tome of books that clearly read "The Art of War" on the
spine: I'm anti! I'm anti! Really I am!
Darren: *smack* *sun falls over*
Sun: I win!
Narrator: And some were just plain stupid.
Jamie: This pageant is libellous and defamitory! I'll sue! I'll sue!
Freespeechstore: This_Pageant_is_Stupid_but_I'm_A_Spammer.
Moris: This pageant never happened. pwned!
Narrator: But the spammers are increasingly being herded into a "bad" part
of the Internet.
Spotlight shows a panorama of a decrepit town with wailing sirens and gunshots
everywhere.
Narrator: Will the spammers win?
NANAE: NO!
Spammers: YES!
Sun: I win! I win! *dances*
Darren: *smack*
Sun: You lose!
Darren: *smacksmack*
Narrator: And that is the story of NANAE.
Choir:
Deck the group with heads of spammers
fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Hit them in the head with hammers
fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Don we now our asbestos apparel
fa-la-la la-la-la la la la
Yes, this is a stupid carol
fa-la-la-la-laaaaaa la-laaaa laaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaa
Narrator: Hope you enjoyed our little pageant! Drive safely!
Darren and sun start rolling around trading punches again. Sun keeps
hitting like a girl and Darren lays him flat each time, with Sun always
proclaiming himself the winner.
Narrator: oh, dear...
OK, so.
We have a hundred thousand dippy posts, quite a few posts in the interminable
Mark/Sun/Darren flamewar, a whole bunch of people stupidly following up on
posts where the followup is set to NANAE, the odd political discussion, and
it goes downhill from there. In such an environment, I figure one stupid
post would actually be welcome, as it would give the BOFHs among us a chuckle
before they go back to combatting stupidippy.
So, without further ado, I present: THE NANAE HOLIDAY PAGEANT
As the curtain opens, a large, festively decked out choir slowly appears.
They are all wearing scarlet choir robes. You can see Sun Tsu off to the
side, in the soprano section, with his robe looking a little singed and his
face full of soot. They start to break into song.
Singing:
The first NANAE, the Angel did sing
was a certain Norwegian with a cute drawing thing
With her mallet, she larts, all the spammers today
giving them bruises and making them pay
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
born is the queen of malleting
There is Morely, what a card, sitting in his old chair
Slapping down spammers with nary a care
And there's William, when he talks politics
Slaps down the spammers with their small little dicks
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
The regulars have their own little thing...
But you can't forget the kooks, they make it all fun
you've got freespeechstore, jamie, and don't forget Sun.
They're the flavor to the meat, forming a kook pile
slapping them down makes it all seem worthwhile
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
Born are the kook who make it so cool.
All together, is the group, who when spammers they fight
Fit in some time for a pun war tonight
Then the spammers run away, covering their behinds
and protecting the cavity that would contain minds.
NANAE, NANAE, NANAE, NANAE
This is the group that keeps your mailbox clean.
Narrator: Welcome to the NANAE Holiday pageant. I am your narrator,
William James. I would just like to say before we start that I really
really dislike Bush, but I don't like Kerry even...
*a large mallet comes from offstage and konks him*
OW! Hey, you're not supposed to use that on me!
Off stage: STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Narrator: OK, OK! Sheesh...
Anyway, I am here to tell you the story of NANAE, as it is in the head
of our esteemed (cough cough) writer. It all started on a cold winter's
morning a few years ago.
Spotlight turns on a bunch of people in white coats standing around a single
computer with clipboards.
Narrator: About 30 years ago, the Internet was invented.
One person presses a button on the computer, and they all cheer and high five
each other and down glasses of brandy. One person off to the side is smoking
a joint, oblivious to the whole thing.
Narrator: Almost as many years ago, E-Mail was invented.
They press another button, but the cheering is now heard offstage. A beat,
and then the group of white coated people cheer again. Several women
scientists in the group take off their white coats to reveal a bikini, and
start dancing around.
Narrator: *chuckles*. And there was much rejoicing.
Email was used mostly for academic purposes. There was the occasional
commercial email, true.
Spotlight turns on a slimy-looking greasy-haired salesguy poking away at
a very old computer.
Narrator: But that was kind of rare.
A large horde overruns the greasy haired guy, cursing and swearing and
hitting him on the head with mallets.
Narrator: *chuckles* I wonder why.
But then the rule that prohibited spamming from the NSF backbone was removed.
Spotlight shines on an X-Ray with a hole in a backbone.
Narrator: The spamming started slow at first...
One lone voice yells out "Buy my stuff!"
Narrator: But then it got progressively worse...
A thousand voices all yell sales pitches. Heard in the crowd is "viagra",
"vicodin", "poker", "rolex", "horny women", etc.
Narrator: And the ordinary people on the Internet decided they weren't
going to take it anymore.
Spotlight pans to a large group of people in a room, with a sign at the top
that says NANAE.
narrator: So, a bunch of people got together in the usenet group
news.admin.net-abuse.email and decided they weren't going to take it anymore.
Lone voice: Are you with me?
Everyone: YEAH!
Lone voice: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Everyone: YEAH!!!!
Lone voice: Then LET'S MALLET SOME SPAMMERS!!!
Everyone: YEEEAHHHHH!!!!! *everyone runs out with a mallet.*
Spotlight shifts to a guy inside a trailer, with greasy fingers and many
buckets of KFC around him. He hears the approaching crowd. He cringes
and runs off the screen. The group of people run in and start smashing
everything in sight.
Narrator: NANAE had quite a bit of success at first.
*group of greasy spammers runs in front of the narrator off the stage,
screaming.*
Narrator: But then the spammers got crafty.
*group of people runs into a trailer and acts all puzzled as the trailer
fizzles out.*
Narrator: They started to hide and resort to obscure tricks. But that didn't
help them too much.
Guy with a shirt that says SPAMLESS on the front: Wait, wait, wait...
he's over there!
Crowd: GET HIM!!!
Spammer: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Narrator: Most ISPs cooperated:
Guy with a shirt that says ISP: You spammed.
Spammer: *crying* No, no please! no!
ISP: *bang*
Spammer: *plop*
Narrator: But some didn't.
Guy with a black shirt that says ISP: I'll protect you, but it'll cost you.
Spammer: whatever it takes.
Narrator: Of course, that didn't help them.
Guy handing his black shirt over to a bunch of creditors: Damn spammers.
Narrator: Some spammers liked to pretend to be antis.
Sooty guy holding a tome of books that clearly read "The Art of War" on the
spine: I'm anti! I'm anti! Really I am!
Darren: *smack* *sun falls over*
Sun: I win!
Narrator: And some were just plain stupid.
Jamie: This pageant is libellous and defamitory! I'll sue! I'll sue!
Freespeechstore: This_Pageant_is_Stupid_but_I'm_A_Spammer.
Moris: This pageant never happened. pwned!
Narrator: But the spammers are increasingly being herded into a "bad" part
of the Internet.
Spotlight shows a panorama of a decrepit town with wailing sirens and gunshots
everywhere.
Narrator: Will the spammers win?
NANAE: NO!
Spammers: YES!
Sun: I win! I win! *dances*
Darren: *smack*
Sun: You lose!
Darren: *smacksmack*
Narrator: And that is the story of NANAE.
Choir:
Deck the group with heads of spammers
fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Hit them in the head with hammers
fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Don we now our asbestos apparel
fa-la-la la-la-la la la la
Yes, this is a stupid carol
fa-la-la-la-laaaaaa la-laaaa laaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaa
Narrator: Hope you enjoyed our little pageant! Drive safely!
Darren and sun start rolling around trading punches again. Sun keeps
hitting like a girl and Darren lays him flat each time, with Sun always
proclaiming himself the winner.
Narrator: oh, dear...
--
Russell Miller - President, Duskglow Consulting, LLC
***@duskglow.com - http://www.duskglow.com
Le Mars, IA - +1 712 546 5886
Official NANAE SPEWS Puppet extraordinaire
Russell Miller - President, Duskglow Consulting, LLC
***@duskglow.com - http://www.duskglow.com
Le Mars, IA - +1 712 546 5886
Official NANAE SPEWS Puppet extraordinaire